A Contrasting Life

I don't want to go to school was the thought that crossed my mind every day of middle school. Every morning I would dread awakening to another rough day as the quiet kid in middle school. I wallow through the hallways from class to class with the hopes that maybe somebody would take the time out of their day to show me that I mattered; to give more than the simple "Hi how are you?" "I'm fine" small talk that dominates the conversations of those who just pass you by looking for people who they call "friends." I sat in my classes, praying the teacher would not call on me so that I could just sit peacefully taking notes and paying attention to the lecture. Occasionally I would write out a little note to pass girls that I thought were cute, but I learned early on that that would only lead to being poked fun at for having a "crush" on the girls who I wouldn't stand a chance with. What is wrong with me? I'm a leader in Youth group, why can't I be outgoing here? I would ask myself as I'd walk back from another failed Shop class proving yet again that I could not function like all the "cool guys." Ever since 5th grade when I had enrolled in this school, after being home schooled all my life, I had felt isolated and alone. Most of the class mates all grew up together and seemed to be the best of friends, leaving the few who were like me the ones who were picked on. This was my life in middle school, this was why I hated going to school, this was a christian school. How messed up is that? I was attending a Christian school and everyone there seemed fake, there were so many issues that happened, and I was the lonely introvert who was just simply sick of it; so I transferred schools.

Flash forward to College

This is where I belong and where God wants me is the thought that has been on my mind since I first stepped foot onto campus. Every morning I get up exhausted from the time with friends the night before, but more than excited for what the day held in store. "Hey, it's great to see you today! How are you?" Are the typical conversation starters throughout my day; it always brings me joy to catch up with my friends whether it be in groups or one on one. Since day one I have developed so many friendships with both guys and girls that years before I would not have believed would happen; It seems like every week I have gained a new friendship in one way or another which just broadens my connections to activities on campus. "You're like the poster child for the perfect college experience!" one of my close friends from back home once told me which was ironic because in middle school she was the outgoing, poster child then. This campus despite its drama was a place of love and authenticity; I knew it needed work, much like any place does, but at the end of the day I would always defend it for it is the place that I belong during these four years. However, some of my close friends did not see the love on campus, often made comments about how awful the drama was, and most sad of all they always talked about how this Christian campus was filled with fakes and hypocrites.

The roles have been reversed; in college my life has become what I always wanted out of middle school. Some of my friends are the ones who are discontent of how fake people are and I am now the one defending it and looking for the love. What would my life have been like if I was more outgoing in high school? What if I had decided to try and change the status quo of middle school instead of just leaving? I am proud of where I am today, so how do I help others get to this point as I have done? This last question is one that I would like to focus on more, because what good are what ifs unless we use them to make a change. It hit me tonight how drastically these two times in my life contrast. I pray that many can come to see the love and authenticity in any surrounding regardless of the evil that takes place there for if we let the cloud of darkness discourage us from action than we'll slowly lose sight of love. These are just the thoughts from the dust of a man who has changed for the better.