Today has been a peculiar day; nothing significant has happened, but I have realized things that frustrate me and put me in a weird mood. Not only that, but all I have been able to think about is if ICS will be my 2nd minor or 2nd major. Then I find out that RS has been leaving subliminal messages to our room... particularly KC and I. I mostly want to talk about these messages because they are what put me in this weird "wack" in fact they make me no longer want to do my homework that I was going to work ahead on.
I began to notice this a few days ago when he put up a sign that said "Maturity...some people have it and others desperately need to find it" and had a post it note laying out that said "Are you going to teach your future youth group or church that?" I tried not to think much about that. Then we were both doing devotions and he pointed out that he loved the verse 1 Corinthians 13:11 which says "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things" which I did not think much of because the verse is talking about "Spiritual Maturity" a topic of which I did not think we were talking about. Then tonight the final "Message" was left and it all adds up now. He wrote on KC's whiteboard "I would write something inappropriate here...but then I remembered I am an adult."
Wow, so this whole time he has been trying to leave us clues that tell us he doesn't like our jokes while in a way portraying a "Holier than thou" mentality. This frustrates me to no end. I get the whole not wanting to be a jerk about it, but honestly doing this "passive-aggressive" attack is more of a jerk move. I don't even know what to say; there are some aspects of him that have massively changed over the summer and I wonder if they are because of AD.
What gets me even more was that I was starting to warm up to AD again. I've loved her Philosophy answers in class and I have started to realize how she can be a great friend...which helps because I have been praying that God will help me love her as He does all summer...and then this happens.
I do not even know what to think. God, Lord...Jesus I need your help. This is just so...frustrating. I get that I am pretty passive-aggressive a lot of the time, but it really sucks when you live with someone who is though; because I don't want to confront him about it, and yet I feel like I should so I know if those jokes, messages, etc bug him.
I know this new "better, more adult like, than you" is something that I am not a huge fan of, it may be the RS that we get now...so instead of annoying him more I should try to accommodate him, right? Or is that my people pleasing nature to want to do that? God I need your help...show me your way. I am all about reconciliation but I did not think that I did anything to RS. What is wrong? What can I do, Lord?
This evening--having my immediate homework done-- just makes me feel all contemplative and frustrated. I want to talk to someone about this...besides God, but I don't feel like there are many people that I can. I know that I can always talk to God about this, and I do...but He did create us for community as Genesis 2:18a says "Man is not meant to be alone..." and I need...or just want a person to talk to this about.
This is my prayer tonight.
Lord...Father...Daddy...Abba.
I need you. I am broken. I am mad.
Things are not how I thought they would be.
People are changing and that is the kind of change I don't like.
What do i do?
I need your guidance.
I need you Jesus.
Amen.
