This morning I woke up with the desire to write about a topic that has been on my mind since last weekend. I had come to a realization about myself and I kept going back and forth as to whether or not I should write it. Then today I read Sarah Bessey's new blog post advertising her new book Out of Sorts--which is on my "To Read" list--which encouraged her readers and fellow bloggers to write their transformation stories. It was enough to encourage me to write one of mine.
This past May--just a few months ago--much to my shock and disbelief I was the male student chosen in my graduating class to receive the Service Above Self award. I know, I know, the fact that I was shocked is one of the "reasons why I deserved this reward." At least that's what everyone told me. Here's the thing though. Sure, I offered a lot of my time (and learned about proper boundaries in the process) I do not think receiving this award was the proper response for all I have done. I do not want this recognition. Many people say that the reason why I do not want the recognition is because I am too humble, but in fact I have a confession: the reason why I do not want the reward is because I struggle with pride.
Throughout my high school years I would tell mentors, friends, and even myself that I had no problems. I had everything all put together. There were even times when I would lament because I felt I had no testimony to share because everything had seemed to go perfectly in my life (lamenting over a 'perfect' life is certainly ironic, I know.). I had no worries, no needs, and certainly no major sins in my life I struggled with. I managed to go through most of high school thinking that my life was fine. I had managed to move away from the middle school experience I had (and hated) and was finally making my life the way I wanted it to be.
As I ended my high school career and went off to college I had found that there was something I struggled with. Worry. I struggled with worry, but I knew that I--with proper planning and coordinating--could and should overcome it. I would pray about it every now and then, but overall I knew that I was capable of fixing it...myself. So that is what I did. I, as an ENFP, worked and worked to become a J and make sure that I was planning everything in order to avoid worrying. I wanted to fix it myself and not surrender this struggle to God and let Him help me.
It was not until the end of my college experience that I began to give this to God more. As I began to surrender this aspect of my life to God, I also began to see the other issues in my life. I began to see pride as a primary motivator in many of my decisions. I started explaining to very few people that I struggled with this back and forth fight between being "too humble" or "too prideful." I did not seem to be able to find Aristotle's mean. I could not find the middle way. It was this dichotomy where both sides were detrimental.
All of this leads me to this past weekend.
My wife and I were busy cleaning up around our apartment when I glanced at my bedside bookshelf and noticed my Service Above Self plaque in the middle of all my keepsakes. It was strategically set up so it could be one of the first things I saw in the morning. It was then that I realized that the very thing I had set up to remind myself to be humble was instead filling me with pride each morning. I would turn over and see that plaque to be greeted with thoughts of, "Yes I received that award. This is me and I am glad it is." I was letting this very good and sincere award dominant me. I was getting more caught up in the fact that I won something than what it actually stood for.
So I picked it up, put it in my backpack, brought it to my office, and laid it at the cross that was in there. I committed this symbolic act to remind myself that who I am is because of Jesus. What I have accomplished is because of Jesus. I can do nothing without the breathe of God and so surrendered this award to Jesus, my Savior.
Just a few days later was Halloween and naturally I had to dress up for the $3 burritos at Chipotle (and for the fun of dressing up...sometimes I still feel like a child). For my wife's costume she borrowed my graduation cap, gown, and cords. Now these cords I was very hesitant to let her use. They were a big deal to me because they represented all I had worked for in my college career. They reminded me of all the hard work that I did to get the GPA I had. I did concede though and I let her wear my cords. After hours of laughing and enjoying our burritos it was time to put away our costumes. That was when I realized they were missing. My cords. They were gone. We searched high and low and retraced all our steps, but the cords were simply gone.
Gone. Vanished.
Just like that.
It was this disappearance that reminded me of my pride. This disappearance that reminded me of what was really important in my life. This disappearance even reminded me how I got to where I was today. It was not just from my own will. It was not just all my hard work. I got to where I am today by the grace of God and following the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Losing my cords and moving my plaque were what I needed to do to surrender my pride to God. They were outward signs to represent that I used to think I had it all together and now I think I am in desperate need of God's grace daily.
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I do not share this to gloat or enlarge my pride more than it has already become. I share this to vulnerably and humbly share my struggles and my need for God's grace. I ask others to confess to one another where we struggle so that we may help each other as adopted children of the One True King to carry one another's burdens. We, as the Betrothed Fiance to Christ, must work together, lift each other up, as we faithfully wait for the coming of our Bridegroom.Eternal God, in whom we live and move and have our being, whose face is hidden from us by our sins, and whose mercy we forget in the blindness of our hearts: Cleanse us from all our offenses, and deliver us from proud thoughts and vain desires, that with reverent and humble hearts we may draw near to you, confessing our faults, confiding in your grace, and finding in you our refuge and strength; through Jesus Christ your Son (Book of Common Worship, pg. 87, prayer 1).
