This is a comment I've heard several times in my life. I've heard women tell my father this when he was cooking food in the kitchen. I've been told this when I was helping set up tables at a church function--at the church that I worked for. This phrase has been said as if to insinuate that because we were good at cooking or setting the table it meant we acted like a woman. Whether the one making the "joke" realizes it or not this phrase perpetuates the idea of traditional gender roles. I often get at least annoyed--at worst livid--when I hear similar jokes like this. As if I, a man, cannot be good at cooking, cleaning, setting the table, etc. without it being considered weird.
Consider the below conversation between adults Z & A.
- Z: Man, I am so exhausted! It's nice to have this break because there's always so much to do!
- A: Oh I know! There's hardly ever a break when I'm home. It's do the laundry, wash the dishes, make dinner, change the babies diaper, and on and on! I can never catch a break!
- Z: I know! And on top of all of this my spouse just sits on the couch and watches TV!
- A: Mine too! It's ridiculous! You'd think they could at least help me a little bit.
- Z: Mine did the other day! It was so nice! I was a bit overwhelmed and the food was starting to burn so they quickly ran over and finished cooking our dinner!
- A: That's so great! You are one lucky person! You married someone so thoughtful and great! I wonder what it's like to have someone who helps out like that sometimes. It'd be so great! What a sacrifice they made!
- Z: I am pretty lucky!
What are your first thoughts about Z & A? Could you tell that they were both men? Often times we hear conversations similar to this between women, but if we would hear this conversation between men we might be surprised or even shocked. We might think its an anomaly. Why is that? Why do we have all these expectations of how women and men act? Why do we even have gender roles? I'm not even talking about gender roles we give "stay-at-home-moms"--although that is another topic we could discuss; especially with the trend towards some "stay-at-home-dads" that are arising...but that's for another day--I'm talking about the roles we give to working women. To homes where both the husband and the wife work, but we expect the wife to be the "Manager of the House." Why is that? Does the wife make more dishes than the husband? Does the wife dirty more laundry? Why does the responsibility fall on her?
Some thoughts for men:
- Dudes cut the laziness! When you got married you joined a partnership. An equal partnership. You dirty dishes, you dirty laundry, and you even dirty your house! It's not your wife's job or obligation to clean up after you--nor should it be! Slavery was outlawed and considered evil YEARS ago! When I first got married--my wife & I both work full-time--I found myself easily getting caught up into the societal expectations to let my wife do most of the work. Then one day when she finally--thankfully--pointed this out to me I began to change my ways. I was preaching on and on about feminism and why women and men are equal, but not living the out in my life. So, I get it, society makes it easy to fall into that rhythm. But just because society does something doesn't mean it's right or how things should be. So stop giving all this work to your wife--who also has a life and work to focus on too!
- Stop misusing the Bible to justify your laziness! Don't sit here and tell me that the Bible promotes gender roles and says women are the household managers! First of all, the Bible talks about MUTUAL submission between husband and wife, not just "wives submit to your husbands", but "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."Also there are countless examples throughout Scripture of women being prophets--Miriam--, Apostles, and even preachers! After all Mary Magdalene was the first Evangelist. She's considered the Apostle to the Apostles! There are countless examples of women in ministry all throughout the Scriptures! If you want more information on this check out: https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/mutual-submission-resources-marriage-books-egalitarian, https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/mutuality-household-codes, and http://juniaproject.com/
Some thoughts for women:
- Stop praising your husbands for doing what they should have already been doing! One thing that irks me more than anything is when a guy does one household chore and their wife makes a huge deal about it! When was the last time your husband thanked and praised you for doing chores? It's part of living life with someone else: You both do your fair share of household chores! It might suck, after all not many people like doing chores (which is why they're called CHORES!), but it's something we both ought to do! When you praise your husbands its like you are saying, "You don't need to do this, it's not your responsibility, but thank you for helping out!" When what you should be saying is, "YES! I'm not alone! We're a team again! We can work together!" I mean when was the last time you got praised for cleaning or cooking? That is something that IS in Scripture. Proverbs 31--which is often used as a legalistic list of things for women to do--was actually a song that men would sing to praise their wives. To talk about how great they are! To share how they are women of valor--Eschet Chayil! More on this here: https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/3-things-you-might-not-know-about-proverbs-31
To summarize:
We don't and shouldn't praise laziness. We shouldn't promote laziness. Laziness is not what we were created or intended for. So husbands and wives: work together. Take turns cooking, cleaning, etc. You are a team. The household--with or without kids--is BOTH of your responsibility. You are a team who are called to mutually submit to one another. After all, "“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (Ezer Kenego) as his partner" (Gen. 2:18, italicized and parenthesis added). ("Evidence indicates that the word 'ezer originally had two roots, each beginning with different guttural sounds. One meant "power" and the other "strength."https://godswordtowomen.org/ezerkenegdo.htm). So be partners. Work together. Stop praising things that should be a regular part of life!
