Praise can lead to Laziness

"You'd make a great wife!"

This is a comment I've heard several times in my life. I've heard women tell my father this when he was cooking food in the kitchen. I've been told this when I was helping set up tables at a church function--at the church that I worked for. This phrase has been said as if to insinuate that because we were good at cooking or setting the table it meant we acted like a woman. Whether the one making the "joke" realizes it or not this phrase perpetuates the idea of traditional gender roles. I often get at least annoyed--at worst livid--when I hear similar jokes like this. As if I, a man, cannot be good at cooking, cleaning, setting the table, etc. without it being considered weird.

Consider the below conversation between adults Z & A.

• Z: Man, I am so exhausted! It's nice to have this break because there's always so much to do!
• A: Oh I know! There's hardly ever a break when I'm home. It's do the laundry, wash the dishes, make dinner, change the babies diaper, and on and on! I can never catch a break!
• Z: I know! And on top of all of this my spouse just sits on the couch and watches TV!
• A: Mine too! It's ridiculous! You'd think they could at least help me a little bit.
• Z: Mine did the other day! It was so nice! I was a bit overwhelmed and the food was starting to burn so they quickly ran over and finished cooking our dinner!
• A: That's so great! You are one lucky person! You married someone so thoughtful and great! I wonder what  it's like to  have someone who helps out like that sometimes. It'd be so great! What a sacrifice they made!
• Z: I am pretty lucky! 

What are your first thoughts about Z & A? Could you tell that they were both men? Often times we hear conversations similar to this between women, but if we would hear this conversation between men we might be surprised or even shocked. We might think its an anomaly. Why is that? Why do we have all these expectations of how women and men act? Why do we even have gender roles? I'm not even talking about gender roles we give "stay-at-home-moms"--although that is another topic we could discuss; especially with the trend towards some "stay-at-home-dads" that are arising...but that's for another day--I'm talking about the roles we give to working women. To homes where both the husband and the wife work, but we expect the wife to be the "Manager of the House." Why is that? Does the wife make more dishes than the husband? Does the wife dirty more laundry? Why does the responsibility fall on her?

Some thoughts for men:

1. Dudes cut the laziness! When you got married you joined a partnership. An equal partnership. You dirty dishes, you dirty laundry, and you even dirty your house! It's not your wife's job or obligation to clean up after you--nor should it be! Slavery was outlawed and considered evil YEARS ago! When I first got married--my wife & I both work full-time--I found myself easily getting caught up into the societal expectations to let my wife do most of the work. Then one day when she finally--thankfully--pointed this out to me I began to change my ways. I was preaching on and on about feminism and why women and men are equal, but not living the out in my life. So, I get it, society makes it easy to fall into that rhythm. But just  because society does something doesn't mean it's right or how things should be. So stop giving all this work to your wife--who also has a life and work to focus on too!
2. Stop misusing the Bible to justify your laziness! Don't sit here and tell me that the Bible promotes gender roles and says women are the household managers! First of all, the Bible talks about MUTUAL submission between husband and wife, not just "wives submit to your husbands", but "submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."Also there are countless examples throughout Scripture of women being prophets--Miriam--, Apostles, and even preachers! After all Mary Magdalene was the first Evangelist. She's considered the Apostle to the Apostles! There are countless examples of women in ministry all throughout the Scriptures! If you want more information on this check out: https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/mutual-submission-resources-marriage-books-egalitarian, https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/mutuality-household-codes, and http://juniaproject.com/

Some thoughts for women: 

1. Stop praising your husbands for doing what they should have already been doing! One thing that irks me more than anything is when a guy does one household chore and their wife makes a huge deal about it! When was the last time your husband thanked and praised you for doing chores? It's part of living life with someone else: You both do your fair share of household chores! It might suck, after all not many people like doing chores (which is why they're called CHORES!), but it's something we both ought to do! When you praise your husbands its like you are saying, "You don't need to do this, it's not your responsibility, but thank you for helping out!" When what you should be saying is, "YES! I'm not alone! We're a team again! We can work together!" I mean when was the last time you got praised for cleaning or cooking? That  is something that IS in Scripture. Proverbs 31--which is often used as a legalistic list of things  for women to do--was actually a song that men would sing to praise their wives. To talk about how great they are! To share how they are women of valor--Eschet Chayil! More on this  here: https://rachelheldevans.com/blog/3-things-you-might-not-know-about-proverbs-31

To summarize:

We don't and shouldn't praise laziness. We shouldn't promote laziness. Laziness is not what we were created or intended for. So husbands and wives: work together. Take turns cooking, cleaning, etc. You are a team. The household--with or without kids--is BOTH of your responsibility. You are a team who are called to mutually submit to one another. After all, "“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper (Ezer Kenego) as his partner" (Gen. 2:18, italicized and parenthesis added). ("Evidence indicates that the word 'ezer originally had two roots, each beginning with different guttural sounds. One meant "power" and the other "strength."https://godswordtowomen.org/ezerkenegdo.htm). So be partners. Work together. Stop praising things that should be a regular part of life!

Beauty and the Beast

Wow. Incredible. Golden.

These were the thoughts racing through my mind as I slowly exited the movie theater. I could not believe how well-done the new live-action Beauty and the Beast was. I was so blown away that I did not want to leave the theater. At one point one of the workers at the theater asked me if I was waiting for a "scene at the end of the credits" and I simply said, "nah, I know there isn't with Beauty and the Beast but I just enjoyed it so much I can't leave yet. I need to attempt to take it all in." That certainly got a strange look.

Having grown up a Disney and Beauty and the Beast fan I had high expectations for this movie. When I was in high school I took a Child Development class where I was first introduced to the original French folktale. I have seen the movie multiple times all throughout my childhood and seen different play adaptations. I was excited and ready to see how this adaptation would do. What would they change and which route would they follow? The more research you do about this original tale the more you can see how far they progressed in their retelling as this is truly a "tale as old as time."

One of the original goals of the folklore was to help young girls cope with the idea of arranged marriages. Such an interesting fact considering the new adaptation starred Emma Watson who is famous for starting a UN organization called HeforShe which is all about the empowerment of women. It is Emma Watson's role as Belle that truly transforms this movie into a beautiful feminist film, despite taking place in a context before the rise of the feminist movement. Emma shows the audience how much of a great feminist model Belle is for young girls.

Spoilers below:

This model is shown all throughout the film, but one of the most direct examples is near the beginning of the film. We learn that in this adaptation, unlike the original cartoon, Belle is the inventor. She invents a washing machine so that she can spend more time reading and teaching others how to read and less time doing what would have been considered "women's work." The movie does an excellent job portraying how little the village she lived in had. The grand library she visits in the original Disney cartoon was now portrayed to be a small church with a tiny shelf of maybe 7 books. So Belle creates this washing machine and then is seen teaching a young girl to read. Of course this wonderful scene is short-lived because as soon as the villagers notice what is going on they stop her, destroy her machine, and make comments about how they don't need "another girl learning to read." As if the only purpose for that girl is to marry and have children, not that marriage and raising a family are bad pursuits, but she should be allowed more than that provincial life. She should be given equal opportunity with the boys of the village. 

There are so many incredible themes throughout the film. There is the theme of hospitality and showing love to others. This is the main lesson that the Prince needs to learn. This is a reminder to all of us, especially in this current political climate, that we are called to be hospitable. To welcome in the stranger, the poor, the widow, the destitute. I was even reminded of the verse in Hebrews which says, "Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it" (Hebrews 13:2, NIV). If the Beast would have known this from the start then everything could have been avoided. But it is a lesson for us. Let us not be like the Prince and turn those away who are in need, but let us help all out of love. This is our calling.

Beauty and the Beast was spectacular! The music was great with both old and new songs. The acting was phenomenal. But most of all the themes were what made it more than just a nice, fun remake, but a great message for all!

The Priesthood of ALL believers

"I graduated with a degree in Youth Ministry." "Oh that's wonderful! What church do you work at?" "I don't. I teach Nutrition and the importance of being Physically Active to local elementary schools and nonprofit agencies." "Oh..." The conversation ends abruptly.

All too often this has been the conversations I partake in when I meet individuals connected to churches. When people learn I went to a Christian Liberal Arts and have an occupation that does not seem to line up with my degree they give me skeptical looks or want to let me know that "it's okay..." or "one day you'll get that job you studied for."

 Unfortunately what people do not see or understand is that I chose this route. I chose this job. I had a job at a traditional church in youth ministry and then even in Family Ministry and I decided it wasn't the path for me. I felt like God had other plans. There is nothing wrong with Family Ministry, Youth Ministry, or Children's Ministry in a traditional church. There are many individuals out there who are incredibly gifted in those areas and should not consider other occupations--many of my mentors could be some of those people.

I, however, in this point in my life, am not one of those people. I have a heart for holistically helping others. I firmly believe that Jesus cares about our whole selves and not just our spiritual selves. The idea that God would only care about our spiritual selves is very dualistic and that is not how I believe we should live. I am not saying that ministers in traditional churches are all dualistic or that they cannot serve others holistically, but what I am saying is that I felt led to minister outside of the church walls--completely. In my occupation.

I accepted this job because I wanted to meet individuals where they are at and not try to convince them to enter a church building. I accepted this job because I believe in eating, acting, and living in a healthy manner and if I can help teach others that I want to. I took this job because I believe that the government should provide benefits to those who need it and if we need to provide education in order to make sure that those benefits are being used wisely and in a health-conscious manner then I want to help provide that education.

So often when we think of ministry we think of "professional ministry." We think of paying people to do ministry while the rest of us do our "regular jobs." I would propose that everyone is called to do ministry. Everyone is called to be a Priest in their community. We all have different skills and abilities; we all have different ways to impact others around us. We all have something to bring to the Table. Let us stop relying solely on "Professional Ministry" or "Professional Pastors"--though they are very great--and remember the Priesthood of all believers and go out in our communities to make a difference with those we come in contact with.

The Familiar: An unfamiliar book series

"Fantastic read. Couldn't put it down. An incredible book that ties together 9 or so different perspectives! It definitely shows how so much can happen in one day and how it can all be interconnected in ways we don't see right away. Parts of it were confusing, but it's the first of 27 books so in many ways its just chapter 1. It's definitely a new kind of narrative than I'm used to and very postmodern, but I'd recommend it; especially if you like House of Leaves. Also it made me want to rescue a cat."-The Familiar, One Rainy Day in May

These were my thoughts when I tore through the novel One Rainy Day in May by Mark Z. Danielewski. I had previously read his most popular novel, House of Leaves, and I needed more. I loved his style of writing so much I had to read more. I then read The Fifty Year Sword which was fantastic, but short. Once I picked up this book I knew I wasn't just getting myself into another novel to read, but in fact a whole new adventure through the pages. Naturally, finishing book 1 led me immediately to adopt a cat and then read book 2...

"Whoa. Ten times better than volume 1. I felt I better understood each of the characters and could see how they are slowly becoming connected. There was so much more to the plot in this one. I liked the first one, but I loved this one. Once again Xanther and her "little thing", her cat, is my favorite part of the story. Just seeing their "tail" progress kept me paging through the book. Read in a week and two days which is fast for me. The cliffhanger at the end definitely makes me want to jump into volume 3! Once again Danielewski doesn't disappoint. Highly recommend."

These were my thoughts for volume 2. It was incredible to begin to see how the characters were all connected. To see the relationship develop between 12 year Xanther, her new cat, and all the mysterious stuff that begins happening around them. Naturally it led me to anxiously await book 3 and thankfully I got into the series once it was already out. The cages of my mind were open and they were ready for more...

"Whoa. Best one yet and I loved the first 2 volumes! It was so intense especially the ending! My heart was pounding as I flipped through the pages of the ending. So good and it's making me love cats and other animals even more. Greatly recommend." Each novel ends with a story about an animal to go along with the tale. Oria the owl, Marvin the Markhor, and Lexi the polar bear. These three animals end each chapter, if you will, accompanied by the unnamed cat partner to Xanther and the many creatures who escape their cages when Xanther is near. These novels are slowly opening up a mystery, but there are many more questions left. There is a focus on animals and humanity's relationship with them.

This may seem like a scattered, bizarre review, however, much like the books which appear to the average person scattered and bizarre, there is a point: It is a fantastic, postmodern book series that I greatly recommend. "What's it about?" you ask, still confused based on my review: The best way to describe it so far, is its a 27 book series about a 12 year old girl who rescues a cat and develops an interesting bond with it. Still confused? Pick up a copy and start reading!

New Job? New Career? Thoughts on our callings.

What is a calling? What is vocation? What is our ultimate goal in our occupations?

These are the questions that have been rattling around in my brain since I have started my new job as SNAP-Ed Program Assistant of my county. I have gone from working for a church--doing practically everything besides the main pastoral duties--to teaching nutrition, healthy lifestyle choices, and shopping on a limited budget to individuals with limited resources. To many it seems like I have made a career change; many now ask if I plan to be a teacher or why I "left the ministry", but to everyone I simply say, "I don't know."

That, however, is not exactly the truth.

I do know...at least in part. I know my calling is to impact and develop people--that's part of the reason developer is one of my top 5 strengths. I know the more I focus on my county the more I feel drawn and possibly even called to it for now. I know that a calling can develop based on the choices that one makes. I know that a calling can change and adapt. All that to say, I believe you can change your occupation, but your career and/or calling stays the same. Yes, I am a health teacher in many ways now. Yes I teach budgeting as well. I do, however, do it for the development of individuals. I want to see holistic, well-rounded growth. I want communities to flourish and thrive and for a community to do so, the individual must first.

Will I be a SNAP-Ed P.A. forever? Likely not. Does that mean my calling has changed? No. My calling is to better peoples lives any way I can. To invest in my community--which I knew clearly was what I was called to do all through college and I felt very strongly in my blog post after I spent a summer in New Orleans (http://thoughtsfromdust.blogspot.com/2014/07/its-always-hard-to-say-goodbye.html). This calling that I had at the end of the summer translated itself into staying in my community after graduation, investing in it, and ultimately getting a job that works to teach and empower others so that the community, as a whole, can develop and become a better place to live.

So what is our vocation or our calling in life? To bring God's Kingdom here, in our local community, right where we live, with whatever skills and abilities we have been given to use. There is only one of us with our specific abilities: So let's stop trying to be someone else's calling, but focus on what we--and only we--can bring to the Table of the Kingdom of God here on Earth.

Transitions are hard

A few weeks ago I had this blog post (https://youthspecialties.com/blog/when-your-spouse-isnt-involved-in-your-ministry/) published on the Youth Specialties blog which was a big deal to me. I was very excited. Having a dream to write and having spent my first  year out of college working for a church I felt I was more than able to share these insights with the Youth Ministry Online Community.

I am now currently preparing to leave my first job out of college to begin a new one. This new job will be working with families in the community still,  but will not be in a traditional church. In fact my job will not be for an exclusively Christian organization. I will, however, be doing Community Development through education. Community development is something I went back and forth on throughout my years at college and I have always striven to do service with a community development mindset as a Youth and Children's Pastor.

This past week after submitting my letter of resignation at the church I have been reflecting on ones vocation, occupation, and how we live our lives. I have realized that even though I am starting a different job doing something that I love and feel led to do that doesn't mean I am done with "traditional ministry." This year along with starting a new job and potentially pursuing a masters my wife and I have accepted the volunteer role of coordinating our community garden. I also intend to still pursue ways to do ministry with children and youth within the community in the most appropriate way. I still want to accept preaching opportunities and I will of course find ways I can recruit for and promote YouthWorks. We are currently both involved in a House Church and as we navigate this new stage of life that is our church for now. Having these outlets and knowing they are available to me has been very beneficial for this time of preparing for transitions, however, it is still hard.

It is hard to see people both happy for you and sad to see you go. It is bittersweet to hear people's thoughts on how things will be once you are gone.  This past evening as I was walking in one of our local parks with my wife I realized how on edge this process is making me. I want to snap at my dog often and I want to just sit and cuddle with my cat. I want to drink lots of coffee and ramble excitedly to my wife. I am stressed, on edge, and frankly upset about leaving and yet I know that is the next step. I know I have made the right decision and yet it is still hard. It's also difficult to put into words why I am struggling with it.

Moral of the story: No matter the reason transitions are hard. Change can be a good thing and is not something one should be afraid of, but it's still hard.

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven- Ecclesiastes 3:1

Ship of Theseus

Throughout the past month I have been reading through the book S. by Doug Dorst and J.J. Abrams. I was recommended this book by fans of another book I had recently finished entitled House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski. Both of these novels are of the Postmodern genre which if I had to best describe I would label it as the "genre of experiencing a novel" more so than just reading it. Both of these novels have two very distinct ways of allowing the reader to be so immersed into the narrative that they are themselves experiencing it. House of Leaves does this by having two stories simultaneously going: one known as The Navidson Report which is a manuscript of a film and the other story found within the footnotes which tells the story of a guy who found the manuscript of The Navidson Report and in many ways how it has affected his life. I have given a more detailed review of House of Leaves on my good friend Phil's youtube channel which you can find here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vIiJA4NnVDo.

 S. however, takes a different approach to the narrative and really has three stories intertwined. It is also a book within a book. The first story is entitled Ship of Theseus and it is about a man who has no memory of who he is or used to be and where he is supposed to go. The second narrative is found throughout the novel in the footnotes which are by a woman named F.X. Caldeira. At first glance the footnotes seem to just be to aid the reader, but in further investigation it reveals they are coded letters to the author of the book Ship of Theseus whose name is V.M. Straka. Then the third story is in the margins of the book; this story tells the tale of Eric and Jen, two English lit majors who are writing back and forth in the novel (which reminds me of my own love story with the amazing woman who is now my wife) about the mystery behind the novel. These three narratives though may sound confusing or hard to track were excellent to read! I very much felt like I was reading a season of J.J. Abram's former show Lost. I could tell very quickly that this novel experience was also a love story of the narrative. A love story of all it takes to write, read, and invest your life into a story. 

As I read through the book I was also doing some research on it--because like I said, it is more of an experience to read it--and found the term Ship of Theseus to be a philosophical question/term. It is also known as the Theseus Paradox and asks the question that if a ship or object has slowly had all of its pieces completely removed and replaced is it still the same ship? This question has been modified and changed through the years, but the point is the same: If we, as humans, have changed completely through our physicality and experiences do we cease to be the person we were years ago?

It is a tough question and it matters. It's all about how much a person can change and if they change are they a different person or are they the same person with different motives? Is that the same thing?
My quick and current response is that they are the same person (or the same Ship), but transformed or renewed. This makes me think of the transformation of the caterpillar into a butterfly. It is completely different than it was when it was a caterpillar, but yet it is still the same insect as the butterfly. So I think it is not a matter of being someone or something different, but of being transformed and renewed.

But it is still a question I would like to ponder more: If we have changed completely from how we were years prior are we still the same person? Am I still the same Tanner as I was before I started at University? Overall I would greatly recommend S. to anyone especially those who enjoy mystery and solving puzzles.