A Family of Families: A Review of "Forbidden Friendships."

I recently read the book “Forbidden Friendships:Retaking the Biblical Gift of Male-Female Friendship” by Joshua D. Jones and I found it to be an excellent resource on how we, as Christians with integrity, should respond to our culture; and I would greatly recommend it. Once I sat down and started it I kept being drawn to read more. I found this book to be an excellent look at male-female friendships and how for the sake of integrity we have lost the goodness that they bring to the table. I loved how he begins by addressing the boundaries we create for male-female relationships that cause male pastors to connect really well to males, but not to females and vice versa. It has good intentions, but has gone too far. There were so many rich quotes all throughout that I found the best way to review this book would be by looking at a few of them.

I would like to begin with the quote that I find summarizes most of the book in an excellent way. This is when Jones says, "We are now brothers and sisters. Christ’s work transforms the full spectrum of human relationships be they between race, class, age or gender.” Within the Church we need this reminder for the sake of integrity and equality. Paul tells us that we are neither male nor female, Jew or Gentile and so we need to stop letting our culture’s oversexualization prevent us from being the Church as brothers and sisters together. From the very beginning of the book there is this focus on how both males and females have something to bring to the table and by segregating them we do a disservice to each other and towards our mission to work towards God's Kingdom here on Earth. We are both made in the image of God, so we should work together to further the Kingdom and not separate.

“We are called to be the Family of God. But we often seem more like of a collection of families who fail to celebrate celibacy, deep friendships and opposite-gender relationships - other than marriage - of any sort. I don’t know of any man who has “too many” female friendships. I don’t know of any Christian woman who loves men “too much”." This quote shows us the importance of highlighting that we truly are meant to be a Family. We are meant to be brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, fathers, and mothers to those within the Church body. That is how a lot of healing takes place especially in broken families. We need to be a family to those coming to Christ from all paths of life.

I did find that it was worth noting that our current state within the church “is quite a sharp contrast to the second and third centuries in the Church when friendship was exalted and marriage belittled. Then it was celibate culture which dominated Christianity and married people struggled to fit in. Fortunately, early church leaders like John Chrysostom and Augustine (both celibates themselves) wrote on the sanctity of marriage and helped to save Christianity from becoming a singles club.” It appears we have bounced from one extreme to another and we, as the Church, need to find a middle ground. We need to both affirm celibacy and marriage as both good in the eyes of God and both ways to live within the Church Body.

Within the Church we need to be affirming, welcoming, and even encouraging to both paths of life: those who pursue marriage and those who pursue celibacy. Jones reminds us that, “When God’s Church accepts and affirms people in their celibacy (whether it is chosen or not) it is a sign to the world around us that God’s future Kingdom is breaking through among us now. It is a step towards living out relationships “on Earth as it is in Heaven.” This does not mean that a celibate life is superior to sex and a married life (as some in the past have thought) but it is a sign that another life force is present with us, enabling some individuals in our midst to live without those things." We need to realize we are in the “already and not yet” and stop just focusing on the “not yet.” We need to remember that the Crucifixion and Resurrection began the ushering in of the Kingdom and we need to already begin living like the Kingdom is breaking in...because it is!

In establishing this model of being a Family of God we should pursue this idea of anamchara that the author discusses. He talks about how we should have a “goal of mentoring someone” which would lead to having “a spiritual friend and co-worker in mission. A part of this large history of spiritual mentoring is represented by the Gaelic word anamchara or “soul friend”. An anamchara was one you intimately engaged with for the purpose of edification. Anamchara was often initiated when one of the two was a more mature, mentor figure. Even when it started as a mentorship, however, the goal was to grow up together into friendship in Christ.” Our goal is equal friendship within the family.

I have found overall this book to be a wonderful call towards embracing the Truth that we are called to become a Family of God and that within that we do not need to pursue marriage over celibacy or vice versa. We need to affirm both callings in life and find ways to be anamcharas to others within our world. It is also important to end this post with the reminder that the book ends with: Yes we were made for community, yes it is not good for “man to be alone”, but ultimately no person--spouse or friend--can truly ever satisfy the longing within our soul. The longing for our Creator, our Sustainer. That longing can only be fulfilled by the Trinitarian friendship that we will one day be whole with. So lets let our “true inter-gender friendship...be one of the most powerful apologetics for the gospel we can display in the 21st Century.”

New Years: Before and After that one moment

10...9...8...7...6...

The countdown to the new year was almost over. I awaited the much anticipated new year while standing out on our condo's porch, watching both the fireworks on the beach and the Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year countdown. I was ready to see the ball drop. I stood next to my wonderful wife as we waited for the new year together. This was it. The big moment was coming. Every year that Brianna and I have been together I have insisted we stay up together to watch the ball drop. Every new year she gets tired and only stays up because of my insistence. This moment has always been so big and exciting for me.

5...4...3...

Just then the screen went black. The room got quiet. A little text box lit up the screen. No Signal. We lost signal two seconds before midnight.

12:00AM

There were no fireworks, screams of excitement, or a ball dropping. It was just Brianna and myself holding hands outside on the porch in the Sunshine State. It is funny how much we can get caught up in a little moment when in actuality it is not those moments that matter most. It is what we do with the moments that matter.

So often we can get caught up in that one moment watching that one event happen that we forget about all the time anticipating it. We can forget about what is to follow it. When we only focus on that particular moment we can even forget about who we are with. I have consistently neglected my wife's need for sleep in order to watch a silly ball drop. The New Year will happen whether or not I watch a ball drop or see fireworks. What mattered most that evening is not even those events. What mattered most is who I was with. What matters is who we spend our lives with, what we do with our lives, and how we will live our lives in that new year.

So here's to reflecting on the past year, anticipating and planning for the coming days in this new year, and to stop focusing too much on those little moments that are gone in an instant. It matters who we are after the moment not just in the moment.

Let us Continue the Celebration

The week of missions trips. At least that's what my social media feed is portraying about this past week. The Nazarene Youth Groups are returning from NYC in Louisville, there are many teens and families who have returned from missions trips through Youth Works all over the country, and along with many other groups my youth group of the First Presbyterian church of Mount Vernon has returned from our trip to Wayfarer's Land Camp. Our trip was not your average missions trip, but it filled each of the students in different ways and planted seeds of amazing ideas in their minds.

This trip was the first big trip that I have planned for a youth group and in the past I had been on the other end of this--with Youth Works I was the one planning and welcoming in the youth groups. Since the moment I got hired I spent hours talking about this trip, vision casting, and helping coordinate the many fundraisers we put on. There were many days where it felt like the very point of our meetings was to prepare for this one trip--which is precisely the idea that I do not want to portray to the students. This trip is meant to be part of the normal rhythm of our OUT/IN/UP approach to ministry. Was this trip completely normal? No, but it was a much needed reminder and refresher for all the ministry we can do here in our home community of Knox County.

                                                                       The Group right before the trip to Wilmore, KY.

We departed early Monday morning for Asbury University in Wilmore, KY for a trip where we had little to no expectations and could not have guessed the amazing ways that the Holy Spirit was going to work that week. We had a safe and relatively uneventful drive which was good because once we arrived we jumped right into the crazy schedule of our week. This jam packed schedule seemed to overwhelm everyone on the first and second day, except for myself who has run similar settings through YouthWorks. As a new leader who was still getting acquainted with this youth group family, I was pretty worried about how the rest of the week would go with how drained and exhausted the entire team seemed when we debriefed that first night.

Then we attended our first worship session when we were there and it all came into focus. The students began to relax. Many began to be vulnerable and just praise their Creator as we embraced this theme of celebration and asked the Spirit to fill us with His good and perfect gifts. As the week progressed I was blessed to see students worship through fun water games, crazy running indoor games, through raising their hands and dancing like fools for Jesus more and more each day, through sharing in our church group times,  through serving by helping out at a Shelter for Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence, and through seeking God in prayer. Every day I saw the teenagers get more into the different elements of worship and every day I saw God shining through each and every student. Each night when we would share at church group time, through all of our giggles and fun stories, I was nearly brought to tears each time as I reflected on how blessed I am to lead this amazing family.

We did have one incident where we had to rush a student to the hospital, but God was able to use that experience to bring us closer together. The joke has been that since I had a hospital run on this trip I was officially initiated into the group. Throughout each day of celebrating Christmas, Easter, and Pentecost I felt closer to each individual there and by the end of the week I had felt like I knew each of them for many years when in reality I had only been there for around two months. There is something about going through incredibly stressful situations with people that brings you even closer together. It creates a bond that cannot be faked.

As we prepared to leave Wayfarer Land Camp the 3DM team stressed the importance of allowing the celebration from the week to continue on in everyone's lives. There was a story told of when we were all in preschool how when it was our birthday we would bring in cupcakes to share with everyone. The older we get the more we lose this mentality of sharing good gifts with people. The prayer that was left over everyone as we departed was that we would continue the celebration and share our "cupcakes" of the experience with all that we would come in contact with.

I saw the beginning of those cupcakes being shared at our Missions Trip Debriefing night last night at our Youth Fellowship. We had invited out Session members, church sponsors, and parents to hear the testimonies of those who got to attend this incredible missions experience. As I sat there and listened to most of the students stand up in front of everyone and share how God has impacted their lives on this trip, how they want to go back next year, and how they could clearly feel the Spirit within them it filled me with joy. It was not simply happiness, but it was a joy that the Spirit provides. All week as I had heard that "every good and perfect gift comes from the Father" I had been praying for each of these amazing students. I had been praying that the Spirit would work within their lives and bring about transformation where they needed it. So to hear them share of these incredible Spirit-led experiences they had I truly felt like it had been a gift from the Spirit. As I felt thankful for this gift I felt I should do something I had not planned on. I invited everyone attending to lay hands on those who went on the trip and pray over them. I asked everyone to pray that this fire that is burning within those who went would stay and continue to lead them to do amazing things in their very own community.

                              The group being prayed over after we have returned                                     

So my prayer for all those who went on the trip and really for anyone who already went or will be going on a service oriented trip this summer is that it will fill you with the great gifts from the Spirit and prepare you to continue in your own community to do what the Lord is calling you to. My prayer is that everyone who returns from a trip will be empowered to continue the fire, to share the cupcake, and to realize what kind of leader they are. To realize as it is says in Ephesians 4 if they are an apostle, evangelist, prophet, teacher, or pastor/shepherd. I pray that each and every individual who either traveled on our trip, went elsewhere, or stayed in our community will be so empowered by the Spirit they will know how they are to minister, where they are to minister, and what they can do to share that light.

Holy Spirit lead us.