Imagine you are a pitcher of water

Boundaries.

There are books, podcasts, metaphors, and illustrations galore on how important boundaries are. And yet it seems there are still many who struggle with maintaining healthy boundaries. This seems especially prevalent among individuals who work in what I like to call "helping professions" and ministry. Oftentimes "helping professions" are one and the same as "ministry" professions, but not always, which is why I felt the need to distinguish between the two. Far too often I have heard the phrase "This is a sacrifice", "Ministry is a sacrifice", or something similar to justify why a set of healthy boundaries are not put in place. I have seen people get overworked all in the name of helping people.

Do people need help? Absolutely. Is it admirable and good to have careers where we help others? Absolutely. Should we allow a world to exist where there are organizations and groups of people that others simply cannot live without? No. This is unhealthy and not sustainable.

If the organization or group that you work for cannot function without you there then maybe, just maybe, something is not right. Maybe others need to learn how to do what you do in order that you can have time for breaks. There is a time for creating job security in your field, but you also need times for rest.

There are jobs where you can make sacrifices in the name of helping others. There is nothing wrong with that, but you need to be able to take care of yourself and your family too. There needs to be a balance.

I would like to end with another boundary metaphor. I am sure I am not the first to use this one, but I am not sure where it originated from. It's not a perfect metaphor, but it works.

Imagine you are a pitcher of water and your goal in life is to pour water into cups. You pour, pour, and pour your water into several cups and feel very accomplished. Eventually you will run out of water. What do you do when you run of out water? If you try to keep pouring water into more cups nothing will happen. What do you need to do? You need to refill with more water. You need to go to a source of water and fill up with more water before you can fill more cups. Also you need to realize that you only have so much water at a time so you need to pick which cups to fill up. If there are hundreds of cups you cannot possibly fill them all up, but you need to choose which ones you yourself can fill up.

This is what having boundaries is all about: taking time to fill up with more water and choosing which cups you will fill up and which ones you won't because you know that you aren't the only pitcher of water out there and you cannot fill all of the cups. Every "yes" to one thing is a "no" to something else. So ask yourself, what matters most?

Word of the year: Family

A new year.

Another blog post to kick off the new year.

To begin this new year I decided to follow the social media trend of choosing a word of the year.

The point of this is to focus on this word throughout the year as one embarks on adventures each week. This word can be used as a motivator, a descriptor, a resolution, or even just a reminder of ones hopes for the year. When one gets discouraged they can focus on their word. When you don't know what to do next consult your word. This is one--of many ways--to try and live with intentionality in the beginning of this year. Choosing a word helps you explore new ideas and experiences in the world around you!

My word for 2018 is: Family.



My goal for 2018 is to analyze and explore the word "Family." What makes someone family? What are ones obligations to their "family"? How can we best be a member of a "family"? These are but a few questions that I am beginning my new years quest with. As the year progresses more questions may arise as well. I'll start, like most people do, with one of the Merriam-Webster's definitions of family: "a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation"

What's your #WordOfTheYear?

2017 In Review

Another year is coming to a close only for another one to begin. We celebrate this time each year to reflect on our past and prepare for our future. This is the time of making goals that you hope will last and know many will stop after a few months...if that. As I prepare for the coming year I want to reflect on this year in order to prepare for the next. Below are some of my favorite moments of 2017 which I have decided to call "The Domestic Year".

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1. We bought a house: 2017 was the year we bought a fixer upper! We did not begin 2017 with plans to purchase a house or even to move, but when we found our new place we knew it was the one for us. We have done a lot of work on the house already--my wife has done most of the work as she is a better handyman than I am--but there's still more work to do. It's been a great learning experience.

2. We adopted a puppy: This year we welcomed a new addition to our family: Petra Lucille. We adopted my wife's dream dog this year as a puppy. She's a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and she is as spunky as can be! This year has been a joy watching her grow with our other dog and cat and seeing how they interact together. It's also been a learning experience as we engaged in the act of potty training. It's still a work in progress, but our girl is getting there!

3. We researched: As many of our family and friends know we have a heart for adoption. Not only do we know many friends and family members who have adopted, but we, too, want to adopt one day. This year has been a year of hardcore researching to figure out which is the best route for us: private infant, foster care, international, agency, or county. It's been an interesting journey, but it is one we need to take together. We have wanted to adopt since before we were married, but this year was when we really buckled down on our researching. We are still in the process, but we are getting close to figuring out what is our best route for our forever family.

4. Our extended family grew: This year our extended families have grown in multiple ways. My brother-in-law got married and so I gained a new sister. My younger sister also is pregnant and within the next week or so I will be an uncle! 

5. I read: Naturally, as I love to read, I read many books this year. Not as many as I have in previous years, but a good bit despite all the changes that happened this year. I have continued reading The Expanse series, I read some standalone books, I read a lot of Wendell Berry's writings, and I read Redwood--the fifth book in the series The Familiar. I still enjoy reading Sci-Fi, but this year my reading focus shifted to food and gardening. Though I did not read as many books as last year I feel as if I have appreciated the books I read this year more.

6. We Coordinated a Community Garden: This year we didn't just utilize the community garden, but we became the coordinators of it. We learned the difficulties that can come with coordinating a free community garden, but we also learned the blessings that grow with it too. We got to know other gardeners and gardens while embracing the spirit of planting your own food. This year I think we began to appreciate gardening for more than just a way to save money on food--although that is a great aspect of it--but as a way of life!

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This year has been a great year overall and though we have had ups and downs throughout it I can't help, but look back and see all the ways that my family has been there and made it an even better year. I am excited for the next year and all the adventures to come. When I began this post I considered ending it with my goals for 2018, but I realized that sometimes when I make goals they can limit my imagination. Instead of listing S.M.A.R.T. goals for 2018, I'm going to list an overall goal that will encompass all I want to accomplish this year:

Focus on my family. 

Grace & Peace,

Tanner

A Family of Families: A Review of "Forbidden Friendships."

I recently read the book “Forbidden Friendships:Retaking the Biblical Gift of Male-Female Friendship” by Joshua D. Jones and I found it to be an excellent resource on how we, as Christians with integrity, should respond to our culture; and I would greatly recommend it. Once I sat down and started it I kept being drawn to read more. I found this book to be an excellent look at male-female friendships and how for the sake of integrity we have lost the goodness that they bring to the table. I loved how he begins by addressing the boundaries we create for male-female relationships that cause male pastors to connect really well to males, but not to females and vice versa. It has good intentions, but has gone too far. There were so many rich quotes all throughout that I found the best way to review this book would be by looking at a few of them.

I would like to begin with the quote that I find summarizes most of the book in an excellent way. This is when Jones says, "We are now brothers and sisters. Christ’s work transforms the full spectrum of human relationships be they between race, class, age or gender.” Within the Church we need this reminder for the sake of integrity and equality. Paul tells us that we are neither male nor female, Jew or Gentile and so we need to stop letting our culture’s oversexualization prevent us from being the Church as brothers and sisters together. From the very beginning of the book there is this focus on how both males and females have something to bring to the table and by segregating them we do a disservice to each other and towards our mission to work towards God's Kingdom here on Earth. We are both made in the image of God, so we should work together to further the Kingdom and not separate.

“We are called to be the Family of God. But we often seem more like of a collection of families who fail to celebrate celibacy, deep friendships and opposite-gender relationships - other than marriage - of any sort. I don’t know of any man who has “too many” female friendships. I don’t know of any Christian woman who loves men “too much”." This quote shows us the importance of highlighting that we truly are meant to be a Family. We are meant to be brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, fathers, and mothers to those within the Church body. That is how a lot of healing takes place especially in broken families. We need to be a family to those coming to Christ from all paths of life.

I did find that it was worth noting that our current state within the church “is quite a sharp contrast to the second and third centuries in the Church when friendship was exalted and marriage belittled. Then it was celibate culture which dominated Christianity and married people struggled to fit in. Fortunately, early church leaders like John Chrysostom and Augustine (both celibates themselves) wrote on the sanctity of marriage and helped to save Christianity from becoming a singles club.” It appears we have bounced from one extreme to another and we, as the Church, need to find a middle ground. We need to both affirm celibacy and marriage as both good in the eyes of God and both ways to live within the Church Body.

Within the Church we need to be affirming, welcoming, and even encouraging to both paths of life: those who pursue marriage and those who pursue celibacy. Jones reminds us that, “When God’s Church accepts and affirms people in their celibacy (whether it is chosen or not) it is a sign to the world around us that God’s future Kingdom is breaking through among us now. It is a step towards living out relationships “on Earth as it is in Heaven.” This does not mean that a celibate life is superior to sex and a married life (as some in the past have thought) but it is a sign that another life force is present with us, enabling some individuals in our midst to live without those things." We need to realize we are in the “already and not yet” and stop just focusing on the “not yet.” We need to remember that the Crucifixion and Resurrection began the ushering in of the Kingdom and we need to already begin living like the Kingdom is breaking in...because it is!

In establishing this model of being a Family of God we should pursue this idea of anamchara that the author discusses. He talks about how we should have a “goal of mentoring someone” which would lead to having “a spiritual friend and co-worker in mission. A part of this large history of spiritual mentoring is represented by the Gaelic word anamchara or “soul friend”. An anamchara was one you intimately engaged with for the purpose of edification. Anamchara was often initiated when one of the two was a more mature, mentor figure. Even when it started as a mentorship, however, the goal was to grow up together into friendship in Christ.” Our goal is equal friendship within the family.

I have found overall this book to be a wonderful call towards embracing the Truth that we are called to become a Family of God and that within that we do not need to pursue marriage over celibacy or vice versa. We need to affirm both callings in life and find ways to be anamcharas to others within our world. It is also important to end this post with the reminder that the book ends with: Yes we were made for community, yes it is not good for “man to be alone”, but ultimately no person--spouse or friend--can truly ever satisfy the longing within our soul. The longing for our Creator, our Sustainer. That longing can only be fulfilled by the Trinitarian friendship that we will one day be whole with. So lets let our “true inter-gender friendship...be one of the most powerful apologetics for the gospel we can display in the 21st Century.”