How do you like your coffee? Black.

"I drink black coffee because it is bitter like life. If life is bitter than why try to water down my coffee with flavors when I can't water down my life?"

During the beginning weeks of my breakup this was my go-to-line as to why I only drank coffee black. As the weeks progressed and I continued my angsty periods of black coffee I grew to enjoy it. Now 2 months later I alternate between black coffee and watered down coffee simply because I enjoy both.

Oftentimes in our lives there are things that appear bitter at first but we grow to love them. We persevere through the hard weeks where all we feel is bitterness until the very essence of our bitterness brings us new found freedom. We realize the beauty in our situations and they no longer make us feel bitter, much like how persevering through black coffee leads to another cup of enjoyment.

Let us Be.

There are times in our lives where it feels as though nothing is certain; but I do not mean times when nothing truly is certain, but that the amount of confusion welling up in our inner most being makes life appear to lack certainty. Does that make sense, I often wonder to myself if I am just constantly rambling hoping for even a smidgen of philosophical thought; sometimes I luck out, others not so much. During these times where we feel a lack of certainty, it is the times that spontaneity is most needed.

There are times when we have a few options of ways to go in life, but are afraid to make the first move. Whether it be fear of not being ready yet, fear of choosing wrong, or so many other fears. But fear is a deadly vice that holds us back and we must not let fear control us as it is so easily prone. It is typically easy to block out the confusion and continue on in life without making a decision, but then one day it can fill you on overload.

There are evenings where you are packed with homework all day, barely got any sleep the weekend before, and your mind becomes invaded with all the thoughts of confusion simultaneously. It can be the hardest endeavor to concentrate on studying for an exam alone in this horrible state. Naturally, one who loves to learn, such as myself, would excel in studying a topic of my major and passions; but when it involves a general education course the trial for my attention ensues. In my tired state, my brain felt like it was in overload and that was when the spontaneity happened.

There was a knock on the door that led to a long, nice, refreshing philosophical conversation with my dear friend the dream motivator. There is something about our conversations that refreshes the inner most part of my mind, there is something that brings me peace. We need these conversations in life, these moments of unexpected refreshment of the mind and soul. I understand everyone functions differently and philosophical thought does not typically bring relaxation to people, but there is some activity that does; some conversation topic that does. We need to find those modes of tranquility and allow spontaneity to happen when our mind is in "lock down." Sometimes that tiny unexpected conversation can calm your thoughts enough to just be.

Let us just be in the present, together, ready and hopeful for what each new day prepares.

Choices.

My eyes flash open and I am alone.

I hate solitude, it brings out the worst in me. Silence keeps my thoughts from staying at bay.

I look around, I'm in a dark room.

There's two doors at the end of the hall; it felt as if they were beckoning me.

Beckoning me to choose one.

What is it with life that persuades us to make choices every day?

Why aren't there times where we can just be?

I walk towards the door and see one is red and one is blue and both have a particular sense of familiarity.

My eye drifts first to the blue door, the one filled with the most familiarity. 

What was it that drew me towards it?

As I focused on that one door, I noticed the patterns that were carved into it; Patterns that seemed to know me, to know who I was.

I reached out my hesitant hand, feeling the carvings and with each stroke I felt a sense of warmth.

A sense of comfort. A sense of safety. This was something I had somehow always knew.

Then the red door caught my attention again. I turned to focus on that and noticed writings.

Words were inscribed all over the door, but not just any words. 

Words about me.

This door seemed to know who I was, seemed to have my inner feelings portrayed in words.

This door however, had less familiarity and more of a sense of adventure.

I feel like I did not know this door, as I had with the other; but I felt it knew me.

I backed into view of both of the doors and looked at each in confusion..

I knew I had to choose a door, but which one should I choose?

I reached for a handle and turned it ever so slowly as it might the slightest creak.

There was the brightest light I had ever witnessed, so bright white would not even be able to describe it.

It was lighter than white, with a tint of blue in it; this light had a sense of unknowing and adventure.

I closed the door in fear.

I reach for the other door and slowly open it.

The door creaks open and a strange, familiar smell arises out of it.

I can see the smell, it looks like a strange, flowing line of smoke.

I inhaled the smell and let it soak into my soul.

This was comfortable and intoxicating.

It was what I knew.

I closed the  door in fear and stepped back again.

Two doors stand before me.

One red and one blue.

One familiar and one not.

Yet the one not seems to know me.

This is something I know I must choose.

I cannot let this decision go on much longer.

There was a sense of urgency filling my bones.

I reach out for a door handle,

I feel it cold and round in my hand.

I turn the handle and open the door,

the next thing that I see is...

Ignite the Night

After a much discouraging rant on what's been on my heart, I felt it to be necessary to post something more encouraging which I much prefer to talk about. I learned today how fast passion can spread. Okay, okay I know that sounds sensual but it's not...I'll get to that. Passion can be like a forest fire, if you act on it with people who have the same passions it can grow quicker than anything.

Now to explain myself. When I was in highschool I was on a traveling music and drama team and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I developed so many friendships and really developed my leadership skills on it. Now 2 years later, as an alum, I learned they were taking a few years off from having a team...and in my sadness from that and my desire to see the team again, I decided to send out a message about having a little get together this summer to reconnect. Not even an hour later, when I walked out of class I checked the message, twenty more people were added to the conversation all more than eager to have a get together! Within the next four hours ideas for dates were bounced around and my former leader and myself were out in charge of planning this endeavor.

So there it is, how a tiny spark of an idea can ignite the flame of our united passions. When I was on the team we once received these shirts that said "Ignite the night" and that is exactly what we should do. Whatever it is that we are desiring to do, don't hold back because of fear. Start that tiny spark because it will ignite the night.

Authentic? Community.

The more I progress through life, the more I realize the pros and cons of communities. I believe we are made to be in community because we are created by a relational, three in one God; but due to the fall these communities can have destructive tendencies because of its members and that breaks my heart. Maybe it's because I am young and not jaded to the world, but why is it that we cannot have a loving, respectful community even at a Christian school, is that too much to ask? Do our actions as self professing Christians really show that we think Christ's sacrifice was worth it? A prime example of the way we can act is found at my own campus with not only its large amount of slander and gossip that has been going around, but the way the "outcasts" are treated here. Coming from a youth group that stresses authentic community it's hard to be in one that I have grown to love develop such negative qualities. What gets me the most is that it is the ministry majors that are awful to the "outcasts" what are they going to do when they have those same types of students in their future youth ministries? I get the argument that even as ministry majors we still make mistakes, but how is bullying fellow human beings just a mistake? I don't want to become jaded and think this is all communities have to offer. I believe in love. I believe this campus and many other places in this world need transforming love. How can we make this place more loving? One person at a time. We need to be more like what it says in James 5:16 which says "Make this your common practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you can live together whole and healed." (MSG)

The beauty of Sabbath

There is a beauty in the art of getting away. God created the sabbath for man So that we could rest because it is in our nature to need rest; so I have recently journeyed to my family at home for the weekend so I could seek sabbath because of my recent loss of a relationship.

There is a beauty in long car rides as well. As I live six hours from my university I had those long hours to just talk and catch up with the driver and it has brought me to some realizations. One of which is constructive dialogue in seeking sabbath can really bring about realizations. This was furthered when I arrived home and just talked with my parents for 2 or so hours on my breakup and life. It helped the healing process more than anything has yet.

I had come on this weekend retreat with homework to do and plans to catch up on a tv show, but after being here I realized this weekend needs to be a time to refuel. To take a break from tv shows, to connect with family and friends, to hold homework for the carride back, and just to read leisure reading when I can and be present.

I propose that we all need to take a sabbath away during times of trial to Judy relax and focus on God through solitude and relationality. Lord being us sabbath all throughout this Lenten season.

Waiting....

Sometimes things in life happen and you have no idea why. Sometimes things can seem to be going so great and then it is all turned on its head without a good explanation. That's the way I have felt with my most recent breakup...the first one that I did not in one way or another initiate.

The thing about breakups and myself are that typically I end it and vow to never go back. I always have the view that if I felt a need to end it then why date again? But now I am put in the others shoes and I desperately want to break my rule of not going back. The worse part is when you have that mentality and the dumper decides to leave you on the hook with words such as "maybe one day..." To a broken hearted guy that phrase can keep him wanting to wait when it would have been much healthier to tell them you were no longer interested in dating period. Now there is this on going question of how long should one wait and if it is even worth that?

It's as if I am in an ongoing hope of something that may or may not ever happen. What is the proper response especially when it was 3 months ago that I was so certain I should pursue her? I know God pursues us no matter what, but as a human whose flawed there comes a time when I will need to give up on her. When is that? Only time will tell.

Remember to love no matter the risk, do crazy acts of love and kindness, and never be afraid to live. We were made to live and love in abundance.