Sureness and Unknowing.

Tonight is a night of feeling "sureness." There is a beauty to this feeling that travels alongside feelings of being terrified. There is sureness and unknowing and there is avoidance and not ready in life and often times the unknowing can seem more safe. There is a time for everything as Solomon tells us in Ecclesiastes, and tonight is a time for sureness in the good and the bad. Just as it is a sure fact that Kate Austin was meant to be with Jack Shepherd or that Jin and Sun would always find each other, the way I feel tonight is a feeling of sureness.
It can be terrifying because it involves thinking about the future in a brand new way, but I welcome this terrifying feeling because ultimately my feelings are stronger than the fear. Embrace the sureness. Embrace the unknowing. Let life take you where it leads, because God is with you; in the sureness and unknowing. I may have never felt so sure, but I can say that she is worth it; she is worth seeing what the future holds in store. We Will Always Find Each Other.

Thoughts on Consumerism and Community

Last year I blogged about my reflections on consumerism from Black Friday and today I am revisiting how I am a victim of it yet again. I have been getting significantly better at saying “no” to things, but I still fall prey to buying movies and books that are on incredible sales. I even spent a lot of money on BD’s Christmas gift and as worth it as I feel she is, I cannot help but feel guilty when I spend money like that. There is a part of me that is yearning to help the poor and every ounce of money that goes towards consumerism is money that goes against the poor. That is at the very least a thought that I get. I hate it honestly. I hate this money system we have because you need so much of it and yet the more you need of it the more you want and the more you want the more you fall prey to consumerism. Ha, those were just my early afternoon thoughts. I did however get a rather captivating book that I have barely been able to put down and it is entitled “Cross Roads” and it is written by the author of one of my favorite books entitled “The Shack.” This story tells the tale of a man who has isolated himself to complete aloneness and is now dying; it talks in depth about how much God loves us and how God is community and why we are made for community. It has only reinstated my love for community and helped fill this theme of my break. It seems with the amounts of “Community” that I have been watching and my reflections on community I would say that is my theme of this break. What a wonderful theme that is, one of my favorites in fact. Even last year when I co-led a student bible study it was common knowledge that when it was my turn to lead I would usually resort to one of two topics: community or social justice.

            In my reflective state of community I noticed something tonight. It began when I wished my uncle a goodnight by saying that I loved him and all he responded with was “goodnight.” It made me think about how I have barely heard some married friends say “I love you” to their wives. I know that they desperately love their wives, but I have not heard them say it. It makes me wonder what we have done with the word love. The way I see it, and the way that BD sees it is that you should always love and you should say “I love you” to those that you love at the end of every conversation in case you never see them again by some strange happenstance. I know that people may argue that the word loses its meaning when it is overused, but I would argue that it loses its meaning when it is underused. We all have different understandings of love, and we are in different stages, but that should not stop us from loving like none other. We should love, the love we know, with all that we are. We are creatures made for community and made for love, so why is it so hard to show that? I know that it is easy for me to show love, but sometimes harder for me to see love. We need to get out of this dichotomy of what we feel and show and it should be both. We should be filled with love and share that love too. Love is what makes the world go around. Love is what awakens us. Love is what gives us meaning. Love is.

            So as I have come to the end of my contemplative night, I have read the next chapter of Daniel; chapter 3. This chapter tells us the narrative of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego that I have so often heard as a child. In some ways it frustrates me the way that these stories are presented to children because it creates this clean, easy, world of the Scriptures where in actuality this tale is a gruesome and violent tale. These men have enough trust in God that even if He does not spare them they are willing to die to be loyal to him. In a sense they could be saying “Even if we are wrong in this belief, we believe in this God so adamantly we will die for Him.” And so they do…they get thrown into a Furness something that I know many American Evangelicals would be last to jump on the bandwagon for. I do not understand how we, as Americans, have been able to get this prosperity gospel into our brains that we won’t go through hard times. I mean if you look anywhere in the Bible you see Christians being persecuted left and right. Yeah God was with them, but that did not stop the issue. I love how in this narrative when they are in the Furness, God appears with them. He does not take them out of the fires; he walks in the midst of their troubles with them. I know that they did not burn up, so that was God protecting them but they also didn’t walk out until the king ordered them out. This shows us that in the midst of our trials and troubles God is walking with us, protecting us, even if we aren’t liberated right away. It can be easy to think that God is going to liberate us immediately from our problems, but that’s not the case. The important thing to remember is that he is with us, always. There is one thing I would like to remark about the end of this chapter, when the king makes it a law to worship God. I think that it is good that he has found God, but hasn’t he just made God the same as the other God he had created? Was it really a wise decision to make serving God a decree? That makes it more legalistic if you ask me, and God desires a relationship, it’s why he is community.

            So, Lord help me to be a steward for raising communities. Help me to sow love in this broken and dying world. Help me to bring peace and reconciliation and to reunite people into community. Lord I am yours, please us me in all that you did. I love you above all else. I am yours.

The wrestling of a Call

Since the beginning of my sophomore year I have been wrestling with my call into ministry. It all started one morning in chapel when I was half-awake. I felt a desire to think about urban ministry and spent that weekend in crisis trying to figure out if I should switch to that due to my passions for social justice. However, by the end of the weekend I was back to being okay with just having ICS as a second, undeclared, minor. This thought, however, has not completely left my mind; I mean I have neglected the idea of changing from Youth and I am for sure not doing urban...but that does not mean my wrestling has ended.

I have not felt content with having this undeclared minor of ICS. I was not honestly sure if it was because it was undeclared so did not involve too much commitment or what; then I heard a man in my Greek talk about how he was doubling in Pastoral and Theological studies major and I immediately thought that it would be beneficial and cool to double with Theological study, but like I have been doing a lot recent, I brushed off the thought. As the weeks have progressed, I have been being very reflective and thinking a lot about philosophy, theology, and how it is my pet peeve when people discredit youth ministers and think that they do not know much theology.

Then this past weekend, my father emailed me explaining why I should change to Pastoral ministry. I immediately knew that I was not changing to that--for I had decided that a long time ago--but I did take this as an excuse to evaluate what would be the best combination with Youth Ministry that goes with my calling and my passions. Then tonight, while my lovely girlfriend is away in Dallas, I have had the free time to spend time contemplating and looking into the course requirements of different majors.

I came to realize that the major of Theological Studies has most of the same religion courses as Youth ministry, but also has a couple pastoral and philosophy classes that would be very beneficial to my calling. I began comparing that to Pastoral and ICS and Religion support and realized that there weren't many ICS classes that I was dying to take and that the theology major has the classes that I need for ordination. It was then, sitting here at my desk listening to Indy music, that I realized Youth Ministry and Theological Studies--if it is permissible--would be a great combination and I would be able to drop my minors and just if I ever have space take the occasional ICS class. With this mentality I realized that I would be able to take any extra ICS classes that I felt I missed out when I go for my masters one day.

So, I have sent out emails to speak to certain people to see if this is truly the route that I should approach. It would make sense, because I love reading theology and when it comes to social justice that is something that I can do no matter my major. I have been realizing recently that as people we like to categorize things and say that you have to be in a certain major to like something...but really if I am passionate about social justice, I can bring about change within the ministry setting I am at. Why should I have to go and leave where I am called to do social justice? I should do it in my calling because ONE: that is where God wants me and TWO:  If I don't focus on justice where I am at, who will?

This reflective night makes me think of drinking coffee, reading scripture, studying theology. Three of my favorite things. One of the best parts of this is my girlfriend is a youth ministry major as well. In my previous post I talked about pursuing this girl, well I have and we are now in a relationship and I have the intentions to one day marry this girl. I feel great about her and I feel more than ever that I want this one to work out. She does not fall under any of the previous patterns and she is amazing in every way. We have so much in common. I, above all, in this relationship am excited about partnering alongside her to do ministry.

Well, that is about all I have for tonight. I was considering writing this in my physical journal tonight, but decided I was more in the mood for typing. So this time this handy dandy blog gets to hear my thoughts from the dust.

The Pursuit

"O my darling, lingering in the gardens,

    your companions are fortunate to hear your voice.

    Let me hear it, too!" -Song Of Solomon 18:13

The Song of Solomon the one book in the Bible that so often gets overlooked. Is it a poem written between two lovers? Is it a poem representing God's love for us, his bride? Can it be both? Even more though, when I read this book I think of an ideal marriage.

How does one get to an ideal marriage? This is an interesting question that a single person is asking. I do not know the answer nor will I pretend to. But I know that I can strive for an answer...and strive to find someone to pursue and devote my love to. I know that there are several women out there that God wants me to find and choose one to pursue.  

I have dated a lot in high school and even talked with a lot of girls in college. I have noticed that most of the girls I have dated, have fallen under one pattern; and I am striving to get out of that pattern. I often feel like Ted Mosby from How I Met Your Mother. Constantly searching for who I am going to end up with one day; I am one who believes you need to date to figure out what you look for in a spouse. I think of the HIMYM Season 8 premiere when sub-character Klaus says you have to find the one whose meant for you, if you have to think about it you haven't found her yet. That relates to me because I have been trying to find someone who doesn't fall in the same pattern. 

I have met many girls this semester who have not fallen under that pattern and there is one particular one that I would like to pursue. She knows that I like her,  but that is about as far as we've talked about it. There is something different about her than the other girls. She is incredibly like me and is even a grade above me. There is something in me that feels things could last with her because I have never had to really pursue a woman. This is why I quoted Song of Solomon to begin with. 

The author knows that the woman's friends get to know her well, and that he wanted to know her as well. To me it is an act of pursuing the woman he loves; he wants her to share in his love. I know in relationships you have to lead up to love someone, and I want to start pursuing this woman to see if we will develop this love. 

Lord guide me. Use me. Give me strength and direction. I am yours.

I love you Lord, You have my heart.

A Cry for Unity

"I understand that politics is important in our society and that we as citizens have the responsibility of who we elect as our president. However it kills me to see how politics is creating so much tension among believers within the Church. We need to hold to our number one priority of being a united body through love under the reign of Christ!" -Small Group Member

This quote which was stated by a member in the small group I lead has surprisingly ticked a few people off. The very idea of us being a united body of love pissing someone off makes me want to lose hope.  I do not understand why someone would get all uptight over this statement.

So naturally I asked them to elaborate...bad idea.

I do not share my political opinions because I want to go into ministry and I believe that Church and state are meant to be separated; but I never thought that I would be criticized for that. I never thought I would be told to "find another religion" if I didn't stand firm on my political opinions. How messed up is that?

Christianity is about a relationship with Christ, our Savior, striving to live more and more like Him. My political views should not in anyway effect my relationship with Christ.

When Christians react the way one did tonight, it makes me want to lose hope in the church.

I know that would be a stupid over generalization, but it's so frustrating; especially when they use words like "retarded" to replace the word "stupid." That has to be one of my biggest pet peeves and I cannot see how using that word is loving in anyway. 

Lord I am crying to you for peace, for unity, for reconciliation. Lord, hear my cry. I'm yours.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Subliminal Messages

Today has been a peculiar day; nothing significant has happened, but I have realized things that frustrate me and put me in a weird mood. Not only that, but all I have been able to think about is if ICS will be my 2nd minor or 2nd major. Then I find out that RS has been leaving subliminal messages to our room... particularly KC and I.  I mostly want to talk about these messages because they are what put me in this weird "wack" in fact they make me no longer want to do my homework that I was going to work ahead on.

I began to notice this a few days ago when he put up a sign that said "Maturity...some people have it and others desperately need to find it" and had a post it note laying out that said "Are you going to teach your future youth group or church that?" I tried not to think much about that. Then we were both doing devotions and he pointed out that he loved the verse 1 Corinthians 13:11 which says "When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things" which I did not think much of because the verse is talking about "Spiritual Maturity" a topic of which I did not think we were talking about. Then tonight the final "Message" was left and it all adds up now. He wrote on KC's whiteboard "I would write something inappropriate here...but then I remembered I am an adult." 

Wow, so this whole time he has been trying to leave us clues that tell us he doesn't like our jokes while in a way portraying a "Holier than thou" mentality. This frustrates me to no end. I get the whole not wanting to be a jerk about it, but honestly doing this "passive-aggressive" attack is more of a jerk move. I don't even know what to say; there are some aspects of him that have massively changed over the summer and I wonder if they are because of AD.

What gets me even more was that I was starting to warm up to AD again. I've loved her Philosophy answers in class and I have started to realize how she can be a great friend...which helps because I have been praying that God will help me love her as He does all summer...and then this happens.

I do not even know what to think. God, Lord...Jesus I need your help. This is just so...frustrating. I get that I am pretty passive-aggressive a lot of the time, but it really sucks when you live with someone who is though; because I don't want to confront him about it, and yet I feel like I should so I know if those jokes, messages, etc bug him. 

I know this new "better, more adult like, than you" is something that I am not a huge fan of, it may be the RS that we get now...so instead of annoying him more I should try to accommodate him, right? Or is that my people pleasing nature to want to do that? God I need your help...show me your way. I am all about reconciliation but I did not think that I did anything to RS. What is wrong? What can I do, Lord? 

This evening--having my immediate homework done-- just makes me feel all contemplative and frustrated. I want to talk to someone about this...besides God, but I don't feel like there are many people that  I can. I know that I can always talk to God about this, and I do...but He did create us for community as Genesis 2:18a says "Man is not meant to be alone..." and I need...or just want a person to talk to this about. 

This is my prayer tonight.

Lord...Father...Daddy...Abba.
I need you. I am broken. I am mad.
Things are not how I thought they would be.
People are changing and that is the kind of change I don't like.
What do i do?
I need your guidance.
I need you Jesus.

Amen.

Thoughts on the "Machine Gun Preacher."

I just finished watching the new movie "Machine Gun Preacher" which tells the true story of former drug-dealing, motorcycle gang, crime filled Sam Childer who found Christ, turned his life around, went on a trip to Uganda and Sudan and found out about Kony and the LRA. So he built an orphanage and fought to save the children there. It is a powerful movie, realistic with it's hard R rating, but powerful none the less. It ended leaving me with questions though. I watch this movie and cannot help but think that what he is doing is what the Lord wants. He is saving these children and giving them a place to stay. He is getting them out of the sex trade and of being children soldiers...and I am all about that. I praise the Lord that he is doing that. What I wonder is the way that he is called "machine gun preacher" that he is using violence against violence. If we look at Christ's teachings He never says to use violence against violence, in fact he talks about a Third way when dealing with conflict...and yet he Also says to help the least of these and Childer is by all means doing that. It has created a conflict in me because I believe what Childer is doing is right and good for the Lord, it just breaks my heart the deaths that have to come of it. I know he is only protecting himself and those kids, and it is eliminating a horrible evil from this world, but I still wonder about the words "redemptive violence." They seem to contradict each other. I can see both sides...I personally do not know what the Lord thinks on the matter, but I do know that he is glad that those little children are safe. So that is what I will go with for now. I'll pray for that orphanage, those children, and leave the rest to God. He is a God of mercy and justice and He knows way more than I could ever even dream of knowing. So we need to pray for the situation in Uganda and Sudan, pray for other parts of the world that need it, Pray for Joseph Kony that he would turn from his evil ways, pray for people like Sam Childer who would do what they feel convicted to do in order to save people's lives. Finally we need to pray for a generation that will actively work towards bringing the Lord's redemptive Kingdom of reconciliation down to this earth.

http://www.machinegunpreacher.org/